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How are you today?
How are you today? I am thinking about all the people who will say that to someone today.
“How are you?” Can you imagine if you went around asking someone this question and they actually told us the truth – – told us everything.
“How are you?” And then they hit us with every single issue, problem, drama, feeling and emotion that plagues them.
“How are you?” And they tell that they are doing FANTASTIC! When really they are feeling completely depressed and their world is crumbling around them.
“How are you today? I am asking myself… HOW AM I TODAY? HOW IS ALICIA ANABEL TODAY?
To tell you the truth I’m feeling kind of sad today… there is a lot going on in the universe, in the world, around me, to the people I know, to people I don’t know… so much of what is happening is making the people around me feel BROKEN… there are a lot of people in PAIN right now. Sadness is felt in the air. So today I write a letter to those people are feeling a little broken who want nothing more than to actually tell people HOW THEY’RE REALLY FEELING today… empty… alone… with issues that feel all consuming and often unbearable to take… saying to themselves…
I can’t do this anymore!
I want something else!
I feel empty!
I feel so alone!
I don’t want to be here!
I don’t know what I want!
No one cares!
Excerpt from: Finding Your Force A Journey to Love
I wasn’t able to face myself. I didn’t want to look at my life, my mistakes and poor choices. I didn’t want to believe what my life had become. I didn’t want to accept the choices that I had made. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t strong enough. I didn’t want to face the truth.
The person I am today is better equipped. I can now look at the wounds and peel away at the layers of my skin. I can look at the wounds and dissect them. I am ready to really go deep down into all of it and pull the skin up and look at the truth of each experience.
I don’t remember being a child… something changed in my life. I can’t pin point the exact date. All of it is a complete blur. It’s as if the clock stopped. I’m frozen in time. All the beatings felt like one beating. I was little, 6 or 7 years old. My book bag was lying on the floor in my bedroom. It made your abuelo so angry. I was in bed when he started yelling, “How many times have I told you to pick up your shit?” For every word he yelled he hit me over the head with the bag. I started screaming and crying. My head was bleeding. The buckle on the bag had a hook like one from a belt… the hook went through my scalp.
How do you heal from all that abuse? Where do you put it? I have very strong feelings about parents who put their hands on their children it fills me with rage. It is a fury that is indescribable. Parents have no fucking idea what they do to these defenseless / innocent children. They have no idea what they have done to us! How they have damaged us!
There is residue that is left behind when a parent raises their hands to a child. A child left broken and scarred will become the child who is either shy and never learns to speak up for themselves and might grow up to take abuse from bosses, husbands, wives, lovers, bullies, and any other figure of authority. Or they might become the abuser themselves taking out their frustrations on others. Doing what was done to them. Or they will turn out like me be a scarred, frightened, beautifully broken child in a grown woman’s body. A woman who works tirelessly everyday to break the cycle of abuse and leave a mark – A DIFFERENT MARK – not from beatings – – but from LOVE.
I was finally let out of this cage. My self imposed prison that I didn’t event know I was living in. I had everyone fooled including me. I had convinced myself that my past had no affect on my future. Ignoring it didn’t make it go away. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to not only look at the events of my past but also to relive all of it. Allowing it all to rise to the surface in the name of exploration and expansion. I was ready to look at each letter closely. I was ready to look at the lies. I was ready to look at the truth and learn what the gifts were from those moments. I wanted to acknowledge their arrival so that I could release all of it.
Letter to reader… the human family needs constant healing and love. We can’t do this alone. We need each other. We need help. When we are feeling, helpless, hopeless, scared, alone or depressed we must reach out to someone for help. Do the work to release those things that no longer serve. These emotions can feel like poison chipping away at our spirits. It takes time, commitment to do the work and faith that your force will get you through anything.