Chapter Two: Finding Your Force
Our beginnings / Summer 1991
I remember the first time your abuela and I found out. We went to see this bruja in Providence, RI. The room was dark, candles lit everywhere. San Miguel hanging on the wall, images of unfamiliar saints were on the floor, and this older woman was dressed in a red and yellow robe. Her hair was wrapped and covered with a silk scarf. She was pulling on a cigar in one hand and a glass of rum in the other. There were two chairs in front of her table. As she was squinting her right eye she said, “tu sabes quien soy yo? Di si o no si me entiendes?” She crossed her arms in front of her body to shake my hand and asked us to sit down. As we were getting ready to put our asses on the chairs she said, “Congratulations!!!” I was like for what? She said, “ estas embarazada!!! You’re pregnant!!!” my mother just looked at me and said, “QUE… como fue?”
It was so hot that day. I remember wearing a pretty spring dress with flowers. We were at your grandmother’s house. I bought a pregnancy test went into the bathroom pee’d on a stick. We waited the required three minutes… time was up and I walked into the bathroom. I picked up the stick and saw the pink plus sign. Your dad said, “What? What is it?”
I responded, “I’m pregnant!”
“What are we gonna do?” he asked.
“What are we gonna do? What AM I gonna do?”
We got married when I was two months pregnant. Ever since I was a little girl I never wanted to have child. I never wanted to be a mother. I vowed that I would never bring a baby into this world. I swore that I would never treat a child the way I was treated.
I always talked about how much I hated kids. Just the idea of being a mom scared the hell out of me. I considered having an abortion. Once abuela found out I was pregnant, thanks to that fucking bruja and her big mouth, suddenly, the catholic in her resurrected, nervously, she said, “tu papa nos va matar!!!” Mami was so scared that abuelo would kill us both.
“Mami, I don’t know if I want to keep the baby. I’m thinking about having an abortion. I’m not ready to be a mother.”
Abuela freaked out, “mi hija, no hagas eso, te puede hacer mucho dano. Es un pecado.”
She kept telling me that I couldn’t do that. That having an abortion was a sin and a very dangerous procedure. She said it would stay with me forever. She told me that it would damage me. She was scaring the shit out of me.
There was that… and my own fears… God, I don’t want to fuck up this child the way I was fucked up. I didn’t know what to do. I was terrified of bringing you into a world that was so fucking horrible… there was violence, pedophiles, pornography, evil people, war, racism, discrimination and hate.
After praying on it for a few days I decided to keep you. I went forward with my pregnancy. You started to grow inside of me.I was feeling you near me. You came to me in my dreams. I read to you, sang to you… I gave you all kinds of junk food like pork and beans, hot dogs and loaves of Italian bread daily. The idea of motherhood started to grow on me and every time we were at my job while I typed you would kick me letting me know that you liked being around me. I made a decision right then and there that if I was going to go through with this then I would be ALL in.
So I made you a promise… I promised you that I would never hurt you the way I had been hurt. I promised you that I would never beat you. I promised you that I would never put my hands on you. I promised you that I would never hit you with a belt, radio cord, wet towel or throw objects at you. I promised you that I would never make you kneel in the corner on rice. I promised you that I would never lock you in a closet. I promised you that I would never raise my hand or fist to any part of your body. I promised you that I would always tell you the truth and I promised you that I would be a great mother to you.
May 27, 1992, was the day you gave birth to me. It was the day you arrived to save my life. I had no idea at the time that that would be the reason you were born—to save me.
Peace, light and LOVE~