Excerpted from Finding Your Force
Prayer: I know that there are NO OBSTACLES~ that all that you put in my path is for my learning… for my greater good. Please help me to release the poison inside of me. I’m miserable, unhappy and feeling unfulfilled in my life. Spiritually I know what I need to nourish myself. I know that I am stronger than this. My writing is suffering. I haven’t given it the time it deserves. I haven’t given myself the time I deserve. I need to release this tension and anxiety. I know that no one can come in and fix it for me. All the work has to be done internally. I need to get to the core of me… all that is beautiful, loving, compassionate, tender and gentle. Mostly, I want to be able to give ALL that I possess to myself. ALL THAT I GIVE SO FREELY AND OPENLY TO EVERYONE ELSE BUT ME~ I release all that causes me pain. I forgive myself. I surrender all my worries. I don’t have to believe what others tell me about my life. I don’t have to worry about security… I have all I need. I know who I am! “YO SOY UNA AMAZONA!” No one can take my peace away unless I give it to them. I know YOU got this! I know YOU got me! I am DIVINE! There’s nothing in my way. Light shines all around me. I ask YOU to clear my heart of fear. I hold positive thoughts and intentions. I have a mission. I feel my strength. NO WIND can knock me off my path! I know that I am ready! I know that I am a leader! And when I forget YOU always hold my own hand. And so it is~
I affirm: I call forth my strength and I move forward anyway! This journey to healing is not an easy task. Things will appear to knock me off my path. Things will come in to test where I’m at and show ME were I still need some work. And ITS ALL GOOD – – after crying I had to remember where to turn to for my strength and acknowledge that I have been here before and my force reminds me everyday that I’m strong enough to continue~
When I walked out on my dream job I had a nervous breakdown. I didn’t need a doctor to diagnose it as such. My nervous system broke down. I was having suicidal thoughts. I was giving up on life. I was giving up on you. I had already given up on me a long time ago. My mind was a mess… our apartment was a perfect reflection of what I was thinking about me. We were living in total chaos and disorder. There was shit everywhere, clutter, clothes and papers. Then ELLEN DEGENERES came in and saved my life.
We stayed at our friend’s apartment for a few days after my purging. I was still incredibly depressed lying on her couch clicking through the channels and stopped on HBO. There was a special about to start called, The Beginning. I was about to change the channel when I saw her walk out on stage. I hadn’t really heard anything about Ellen for a few years since she “came out” on national television. I was curious to hear what she would open with so I watched. Ellen walked on stage to an audience of over 2,000 people who came to see her at the Beacon Theater. I could feel from the television ALL the love for her in that space. I saw how humbled she was by the warm reception.
I just watched her and thought to myself Wow! Ellen is so brave after all of her private and professional life was plastered in every magazine on every talk show. After being the topic of discussion by everyone. I just sat there and thought… she’s gangsta! I don’t know if I could do that. Then I thought shit… she better be funny… there’s a whole lot of people up in there.
The first thing she talked about was how she had been planning the evening and wasn’t sure if she was going to share where she had been over the past three years and all that she had been through. She decided that she was going to tell us the story through an INTERPRETIVE DANCE. When the music started playing, I almost fell off the couch… I could barely breathe… I laughed the entire time. I laughed and laughed. It was so hilarious. The combination of the music, lights and her movement had me on the floor. Her interpretation of “coming out,” dealing with darkness, finding light… all of it made me laugh. I laughed and cried.
They were tears of joy. I had not laughed like that in such a long time. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d felt joy. I hadn’t felt happy in years. Ellen Degeneres healed me! I had forgotten how to laugh. Ellen gave me permission to laugh again. I could release all the pain I had been feeling. I could turn everything I had been through and laugh at all of it. I didn’t have to live in this darkness. I didn’t have to continue punishing myself for my past. I could laugh. I could be happy everyday that I am alive and am able to start again. So I would tune in everyday to the Ellen show just to watch her dance.
Your tia Josie surprised me with tickets to a live taping of the Ellen show in Burbank, California in 2005. I was so excited. I hoped I’d have an opportunity to tell her exactly how she had impacted my life. I wanted her to know that I was so grateful to her for pulling me out of my darkest hour. I wanted to thank her for being alive and spreading love and laughter. When we arrived to the studio we were really close to where she sat on stage. I was nervous and excited… what would I say to her if I got to meet her? I didn’t know if I would be able to speak to her after her show so I wrote her a letter. I gave it to one of her producers. I don’t know if she ever received it. The show was about to start… I heard them announce Ellen Degeneres and when she walked out on stage I just started crying. I couldn’t control myself.
When you’re in the presence of someone who changes your life like that it’s incredibly profound. Laughter was the beginning of my healing process. There was still so much work to do… there was even more work to undo!
Love & Light~