I cannot even begin to describe what these passed four weeks have been for me. I have not been able to write and the few times I did pick up my pen what I wrote was complete crap. It feels incredible to be able to return to what I love.
FOUR LONG WEEKS!
This is how long I was sick. I began to get sick the beginning of December… it started out as a cold, runny nose, headaches and body aches. None of the home remedies worked. I kept pushing myself. I drank all the healthy teas. I don’t think I can even look at another soup. Finally, when my lungs were failing me did I go and get myself checked out. Severe bronchitis was the diagnosis. My lungs working at 43%. I had a lot of time on my hands so I have been thinking about breathing… about my lungs… about the necessity for air.
What I realized while I was sick was that 2014 was absolutely not done with me!
2014 did not want to let go of me!
2014 had a choke hold on my throat that was so tight that it made it difficult for me to breathe.
It has taken an additional two weeks for me to finally RELEASE THE RESIDUE of 2014.
You and me we have been through some pretty intense things! The entire year has been quite a ride. The year started out painful, dark and sad. The year was filled with pressure and expectations. It was a challenge to live up to what people expected and I failed miserably on some occasions.
As you finally come to a close I feel more grounded… I feel more ready. I finally feel like I can breathe a little. Today I feel happy. I am happy to see you go! Even though I am incredibly sick I feel settled…
On our last evening together I made many promises for the year. I kneeled and serviced my altars today (December 31st) I have made many promises for this upcoming year.
What I release for 2014 is… fear, desperation, anger, depression, and disappointment.
My moments of darkness lasted longer than I wanted it to. I am done with all of it. It is done with me. In this moment I am excited to begin 2015. I am excited about this new place and looking forward to this next phase. This new beginning is less about wishing, hoping, meditating and praying. This new year is about having the audacity to act on the most important things.
In 2015 what I most want is a new start, to be provided for and to provide opportunities for others. This year I intend to serve in a different way. I will put myself out there more than I ever have. I will take bigger risks and I will finish my story.
Beloved 2014… your beginnings were brutal for me. I was in a constant state of worry. I resided in a state of limbo. I was doing a dance… a dance that felt more like me being a paraplegic in a wheel chair going nowhere but with the ability to move. I was lost. I desired nothing and she watched me. She watched me day in and day out living out of bags… feeling homeless… hopeless… helpless… and she stayed… her body language told me she wanted to walk away… run away actually… but she stayed. I have never allowed myself to need someone… to really need someone… to rely or depend on another person!
She stayed… that’s what I am thinking about as I begin 2015… the people who actually stay. And those who should go!
And so it is. Ache
Journal entry: January 1, 2015
365 days of honoring my craft. This is my intention for 2015!
As I closed 2014 I released so many things that I had no intentions on bringing into the New Year.
The first thing I gifted myself with was honoring what I needed. I began the year by saying NO to the things I do not need and yes to all that I do in fact need.
This year I choose me! I intend on spending quite a bit of time alone. In terms of resolutions, goals, new promises and rules of living … I choose to not set myself up for disappointment and refuse to set my self up for failure.
What I intend on having in 2015 is inner peace… many moments of quiet contemplation. This is my year of completed projects. This year I call forth more love, more rest, more laughter, and more time to honor and take care of my health. This year I intend to connect with the heart of those I love and limit my time on social media.
2015 is about connecting to what is real.
2015 is about nurturing my relationships with honesty, compassion, attention and time.
Relationships… this is what I am meditating on.
I noticed towards the end of 2014 that so many people were lonely. So many people I know have settled for relationships that are no good for their spirits. And at the same time I have seen beautiful expressions of love, so many engagements, marriages and vows for that FOREVER love.
There was so much sadness in the air… this is what I leave behind.
As 2014 leaves us… there might be some who will bring that sadness into 2015. I urge you to try not to bring that pain into 2015. Let go of it. Release the residue! It’s so easy for me to say this. Not because I am in a relationship but because I know what it is like to be in unhealthy relationships.
This is the year of NOT staying in things that are bad for us… this is the year of NOT waiting for all the RIGHT variables. This is the year of MAKING THINGS HAPPEN! This is the year of EXPECTING the results we seek!
So to 2014, I say goodbye to you… You really kicked my ass. You were a rollercoaster of darkness. Your twists and turns left me nauseous for the better part of the year. There were moments of extreme sadness and nothingness. Nothing is what I carried for the first eight months… no purpose… no direction… The things that once filled me with joy left me quite empty. 2014 was the year I saw people for the first time … they were exposed to me. It took many months for me to find my way back to re-boot, realign, restore, resurrect, and reenter my body… to take back some of the most sacred things that belong to me.
And so as 2014 ends I am happy to see you go.
But before I go I want you to know how grateful I am… reflecting on the year there were so many beautiful moments. My daughter graduating college, my landing a job I love, being in a beautiful relationship with a woman I adore, I am about to be an auntie to my sisters first baby and just watching so many people I love receive advanced degrees, getting recognized and publishing books. Goodbye 2014 and I thank you for all you have given me.
With love, Alicia Anabel
Journal entry: Monday, January 12, 2015
Today is the first day of the New Year for me. Today is the first day I feel strong enough to hold my pen and come to the page. Today I will be gentle with myself. I will come to the page with ease.
HAPPY NEW YEAR ALICIA!
You have arrived! Today I get to set new intentions. Today I get to start over and not make the mistakes I made as I began last year. I missed a step. I missed meditating on the things I wanted most … I forgot to create my vision. I forgot to stand in my vision… I forgot to set it in motion… I missed a very important step… what I see for myself. What I want to call forth this year.
This year there will be NO resolutions…
In fact I will not even be sharing publicly what I intend to have this year. As I begin this year what I most desire is… (KEEPING THIS TO MYSELF)
As I begin this New Year I will create a plan that is realistic and attainable. I will treat my body well. As I start this New Year I am filled with hope because this is the year I make the most significant changes to my life. This is the year I … (KEEPING TO MYSELF)…
This is the year I…
This is the year I…
I can see it…
It is the pen in my hand… the ink on blank pages… etched in the sky…
And so it is. Ache. Namaste…