Day 5: What rises… and reflection
“Sometimes I give myself the creeps. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me…”
Courtney is so present on this trip. It’s funny how music can just put a person in great spirits or bring up memories from the past or even point you internally to places that you might ignore urging you to question with just a few words of a song lyric. Music can awaken things that lay dormant. Maybe Green Day is not how I should start my mornings. I love you Courtney, but I may need something a little softer, a little gentler.
On this journey I am allowing myself to feel everything. the climb yesterday was hard, we climbed for six hours. Yesterday, as I stood looking up at the sky at this incredible landscape I still can’t believe that I am here.
I am meditating on…
What would you have me do?
How would you have me serve?
Why do I allow myself to stay stuck?
These are the questions I am going to put out to the universe today. Today I ask for clarity. Today I am looking for direction. The one constant is that all answers point up… all answers point in. And so let’s go IN!
What would you have me do Olofi?
“Be obedient… remember your rituals… get back to you. You must keep going. Remember your rituals. Focus on what is important. Put yourself back together again…. And not because something in you is broken… there is nothing broken about you. You have been detached and disconnected. You have given so much of our heart and soul away. Your body is weak… feed yourself… strengthen your body… put good foods in your mouth. Feed your body and your mind and you will see all else will align.”
Are we being honest with ourselves?
That is what I woke up thinking about today. Are we being honest with those we love… with the people in our lives? Do they really know us? Today was not a good day on the mountain. Today I struggled a lot. There were moments I just was not in a good spirits. In fact, I was just angry a lot of the time. Today I am beginning to doubt and question myself… I slept terrible. I had so many dreams that disrupted my peacefulness. Or is peacefulness the mask?
Something happened today. Something shifted internally. Today I was pushed harder than I have ever been pushed and all of it made me angry. Why was I so angry? What is happening? I am being forced to see something in my life… the people in it… my relationships… my choices… where I live… where I’m at right now in my present day—this climb is intended to show me some very specific and intentional things… important things. And I guess that is what is making me so unhappy. There really isn’t a moment when our body doesn’t send us clues about what is going on with us and the choices we must make. Some people call this instinct or intuition. This climb is harder than I could ever imagine and I am being forced to take a deeper look at ME!
Yamuna and I had an interesting conversation today. She noticed that I was not in good spirits. She wanted to know why I was so agitated. Even as I held the rope to climb I was doing so with a tremendous amount of intensity and ferociousness that concerned her. She kept saying, “Alicia, breathe, hold on with intention… steady your grip… firm but focused. Whatever it is you are carrying… Whatever it is you are carrying it is excess… It is too much weight. It doesn’t belong to you. Breathe it out of your body. Take your time. we are not in a rush and you have nothing to prove!”
I am sitting with those words… in what ways in my life… which experiences have I felt that I constantly needed to prove something?
Today, I pray for blessings… and I thank you for all revelations. Please continue to guide and protect me, my teammates and all the other climbers. Maferefun todos los Santos. Creator I give thanks for this day.
Namaste~ And so it is~ Aché
Note to readers following our journey: Now that we have begun our climb I will not be posting to facebook as often. Please follow my blog at the top of this page. Thank you for your love and well wishes.
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Note to newcomers accepting the writing challenge! You can begin the challenge at any point. There is no right or wrong way to participate. You are not being graded or judged. This is a gift we are giving ourselves. So be gentle during this process. We are about to climb a mountain, YO! Remember that. Remember we must be present. Release all self-defeating thoughts. You can do this. I do want to remind the new climbers that no matter what day you decide to join the challenge please begin at the beginning. It’s important to prepare! Please remember to post your daily responses in my comments on my blog. Sending you all love. See you at the top of the mountain.
With all my love,