I have given up everything!
This is what I am meditating on today. I am thinking about all that I have given up to be here. I packed up my home, my personal belongings, my books, my altars, my clothes and my beautiful art and just left. I have left New York City to start anew.
I have given up everything for this…
Today I received a telegram from the states; it was from my beloved Lalita. She is so worried and scared for me. She wants to know why I chose Nepal. She wants to know why I have chosen to climb this mountain saying, “Alicia, this is dangerous. Why are you doing this? Why would you put your life at risk? What is this all about?”
I wish she were here with me. I wish she understood why I must do this. I sold everything to get here. I left everything and everyone. Yes! This is a huge risk. A very dangerous and expensive adventure, but so incredibly crucial for my life.
I HAVE… given UP…
In so many ways I feel this… that I have given up!!! What does that even mean Alicia?
I HAVE… given UP… everything for this because I know that in the end there will be something magical gained. This is my deepest desire and hope!
I believe this… completely.
I picked this expedition with intention…
40 days and 40 nights is something spiritual for me, almost biblical. And today we reached 2,070m and yes it was and has been incredibly difficult. I am starting to get a blister on my right heel, and the winds are brutal. I find the most comfort when we are all tied together during our hiking as we cross frozen paths that may be slippery. It feels as if… if one of us goes down… we all go.
Tonight we arrived to base camp and were greeted by the hosts at the tea house. And tonight we rest. I was mesmerized by the fire. I just sat in front of it thinking about all the things I want to burn out of my life, out of my story… things I want to see turn to ash and go up in smoke. I am thinking about my life and what awaits me when I return. I don’t want to return to the same story. I don’t want routine and a redundant life. I need and require something more. I want to be surprised and lifted. I keep hearing people talking about getting that “real job” how being an artist is frivolous, how I am not living in the real world… and how I am such a dreamer. And I suppose I am… I am a dreamer with so many dreams. So I breathe…
Tomorrow we are permitted to reach out to our loved ones and connect to the world if we so choose.
Chandani sat with me by the fire quietly and held my hand as she looked at me and said, “Alicia, its ok! Whatever it is you are going through… trust that it will be fine. You are not alone. You will find the answers. You do not have to deal with this alone. You have us and you can speak to me about anything. I am concerned about your spirit. Join me in my room I would like to show you something.”
Her room was beautiful. She has this beautiful tapestry on the floor and invited me to sit cross legged on the floor. She asked me to place my hands on my lap and close my eyes. She rang the tingsha and guided me through the most beautiful meditation. She spoke in soft breaths… and asked me to connect to and listen closely to the inner silence… reminding me to connect to my heart… she prayed over me and with me about a boundless life and internal light… I was lost in her voice… I could feel my breathing getting heavier… I allowed my tears to cleanse my face… she urged me to connect to what I may be interpreting as loss… and to hold it… to send it love… and then to release it to the heavens. Thirty minutes later, she rang the bell again and I went to my room and wrote.
Thank you creator for today’s conversation. Namaste ~ And so it is. Aché
Note to readers following our journey: Now that we have begun our climb I will not be posting to facebook as often. Please follow my blog at the top of the page. Thank you for your love and well wishes.
Note to newcomers accepting the writing challenge! You can begin the challenge at any point. There is no right or wrong way to participate. You are not being graded or judged. This is a gift we are giving ourselves. So be gentle during this process. We are about to climb a mountain, YO! Remember that. Remember we must be present. Release all self-defeating thoughts. You can do this. I do want to remind the new climbers that no matter what day you decide to join the challenge please begin at the beginning. It’s important to prepare! Please remember to post your daily responses in my comments on my blog. Sending you all love. See you at the top of the mountain.
With all my love,