For lunch today we ate the most delicious stew, filled with meat, some unfamiliar greens, carrots, peas, and potatoes (of course there was a vegetarian stew prepared) and the bread here is delicious and fresh. We have been eating extremely well. On our team we have a cook who prepares all our meals and it is always amazing. Dhriti reminded us that we would be leaving early the next day and so we should spend some time writing to our loved ones. We were urged to write the emails first so that when we sit at the computer it would be easier to just email everyone quickly. We were only allowed 15 minutes of internet access. So I have 15 minutes to send emails and post a week worth of blog entries.
I wrote to Courtney telling her all about the first week and about all of the women I met. I told her about Vedanti and how powerful she is. How her voice comforts me and how I feel that I could trust her with my soul and about Yamuna, how she has been like a mother to me literally teaching everything she knows. I told Yoseli how much I miss her… how much I miss being in her arms, feeling her strong embrace and our constant debates. I shared with her some of the things that I have been worried about and how I got sick on the journey but couldn’t tell Courtney or my family because I don’t want to worry them. I spent an entire evening vomiting and purging. I shared with her how challenging the first week has been and the many moments that have scared me the most. What frightens me are my thoughts and the ways I punish myself for not having certain things… for not being in a specific place and for not feeling accomplished. Not feeling like I have done enough. I told her that I was really just doing the best that I can and that I am hoping for significant change in my life when I return. I wrote to my mother telling her how much I love her, papi, my sisters and brother and how grateful I am that she holds me in prayer and wishes me only good things.
And to Lalita I shared with her what happened the evening I sat with Chandani. I told her about the many things I saw during meditation… it was almost as if I was transported… floating… flying… outside of my body. There were things I saw with eyes closed. I saw myself differently I saw what my life could be. But what I cried for was what my life has been and where I am. I cried over what I have imagined my life would be and how I have seen it playing out differently at this point. I had hoped to be in a higher place. I have prayed for something more. And with eyes closed tightly shut this image engulfed me, filled me completely and there was a light that was coming towards me… and in the background there was this shadow figure fast approaching.
The light was blinding. At the same time my eyes where incredibly blurry because of my tears. I couldn’t quite make out what or who it was… as it got closer I could tell it definitely was the figure of a woman. I could see her long curly hair… as it got closer and closer I could see that she was tall and her shape was slim… when she stood over me, the fogginess cleared and I could see her beautiful vibrant smile… it was me. I saw myself. And she… I looked majestic… magnificent…. Luminous… powerful… beautiful… she looked ready and strong.
She was dressed in all white. And in her hands she carried nothing, standing before me palms up, arms open, lifting me and I felt her embrace me tightly… she held me gently…. She just hugged me and I fell into her. She guided my steps, took my hand and invited me for a walk. We walked in the most beautiful garden filled with reds, oranges, yellows, greens, and purple flowers. She led me through this path that was filled with trees and I noticed this beautiful house in the distance with a lovely porch in front. We arrived to the steps and she asked me to open the door and when I did I saw all of my belongings, my loved ones were there, the writers from my writing group, my beloved Courtney… I could smell delicious food in the air, music was playing, candles were lit, and she looked at me and said, “Alicia, welcome home!”
Vedanti called me over and said she had a surprise for me. I could here music being played. It was the sounds of a wooden flute in the distance and the song sounded familiar. We walked outside and to my surprise it was Lalita. I cried instantly. To me this was like being given the most sacred gift. She came… she knew I needed her… she flew all night and took a helicopter to get here faster. I am so excited she is here I can’t hide anything from her and why would I even want to. Creator, I thank you for this most splendid and unexpected surprise. Thank you for this amazing day. Now I will catch up with my friend.
Namaste. And so it is. Aché
Sending you all love, light and wishes for miracles manifested.
Note to readers following our journey: Now that we have begun our climb I will not be posting to facebook as often. Please follow my blog at the top of the page. Thank you for your love and well wishes.
Note to newcomers accepting the writing challenge! You can begin the challenge at any point. There is no right or wrong way to participate. You are not being graded or judged. This is a gift we are giving ourselves. So be gentle during this process. We are about to climb a mountain, YO! Remember that. Remember we must be present. Release all self-defeating thoughts. You can do this. I do want to remind the new climbers that no matter what day you decide to join the challenge please begin at the beginning. It’s important to prepare! Please remember to post your daily responses in my comments on my blog. Sending you all love. See you at the top of the mountain.
With all my love,
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2 thoughts on “Nepal Trip ~ Day 7: Path of trees, Rest and Reflection”
y 7: Weekly check in and email to loved one.
While at camp Peter took me to see the medic. My ankle was bothering me and I didn’t pack my ankle brace (after all, I hadn’t needed it in over a year). The medic was very friendly and when she found out where I was from she began asking me questions she thought all New Yorker’s should know the answers to, like, “How tall is the empire state building? Not as tall as Makalu right??” and “Have you met Derek Jeter? He handsome right? Good for husband maybe?” and a giggle squeaked out at the end of any remark or question she thought was humorous. She was so cute. She reminded me of Granny from Looney Tunes, one of my favorite cartoon characters as a child…..AND FOLKS, SHE WAS FUNNY!
Funny in that sweet, harmless, old lady sort of way but funny in a “you-just-can’t-believe-it sort of way. She had all these old newspaper clippings and pictures of men hanging on the inside walls of her cabinet doors. I saw them when she opened them to find me an ankle brace that would fit. I saw an old Richard Gere, a make-you-salivate Jeffrey Dean Morgan, that famous Tyson Beckford picture in white draws, a smiling Jimmy Smits and that guy with the dreadlocks who played Freddy’s boyfriend on A Different World. I forget his name. Shaka Zulu was it? There were other pictures but I didn’t know who they were but one things for sure, they were all American. So granny’s got a love jones for the American Boy. I don’t blame her with a wall like that! Lol.
Ha! I left there feeling great. And I reminisced on the walk back of all the things that made me feel great since my arrival here. I felt like nothing could break me. Nothing could stop me from feeling this good, this happy, this alive. I sat down at one of the laptops and began typing away. I wrote to Cassie about our sumo wrestler, about Claudia thinking there was some sort of treasure on the mountains, about the climbing, the slippery glaciers we passed, the cold nights void of city sounds, the cute medic, the pictures I took with my cell phone and how much I missed her. I told her about my plans for an adventure with her and how I hoped she was putting all her efforts into her studies. I reminded her, “Good grades = The 2014 Comic-con convention.” That was the deal. And then I wrote her a Haiku. She liked those and it was what she was last working on when I left. A haiku on trust.
I then wrote a very short note in the same email to papi asking him how they were holding up with Cassie and how I was using the journal he gave me. And that he picked out the right one. That I loved the cover. That brown was my favorite color and that I wondered if he chose it consciously or whether it was pure luck. I told him how nice the gold rim looked and was pleased it was an eco-friendly journal. I sent all my love to the family and assured him I was fine. I sent kisses to everyone and sent the email.
After I sent the email I just sat there feeling defeated. I am my father’s daughter. The apple does not fall far from the tree. I thought about the note I addressed to him. I went on and on and on about the journal, missing yet another opportunity to let this man know he is loved and appreciated. Diversion. We Lucret’s are good at that.
And then anger happenned. It kind of just pulled up a chair and started pointing fingers, talking about “why doesn’t HE reach out to me? Let him do the work. All these years and he ain’t think to ask, ‘how are you Becky?’ There are two people in this and he needs to step up too.”
Go away anger.
But anger kept on, leaned back on the chair and kept going…..”It’s too late. Is he ever going to say sorry about what he did? What he didn’t do? What he allowed? How he turned the cheek when you most needed him?”
Go away anger. You will not break me.
I closed the laptop and stood up. Grabbed my coat and went outside. Snow was falling. Big, fast flakes. And it cooled the simmer. And it quieted the anger. At first it was resistant, it put up a good fight but in the end, it folding up his invisible chair and disappeared.
I actually want to hear more from anger. There is so much truth in anger. I imagine the grueling trek will bring up lots of frustration and anger. Ride the snow storm.