Good morning day!
As we climbed today two men came down the mountain incredibly nervous and told us that one of the mountaineers lost their grip from the rope, slipped, fell and slammed right into the side of the mountain where he sustained many injuries which left him unconscious. Members of his team radioed for help… His teammates brought him to a flatter surface to wait but it was hours before the helicopter arrived. He was airlifted to base camp where they had doctors on sight to provide medical attention. He suffered severe head trauma.
This evening during meditation we prayed for him and all of the other climbers. The spirit on the mountain is somber. People have shared stories about the dangers that can be found during the trek. I hope the climber is doing well. We are all sending him prayers for healing.
Just hearing about his trauma made me think about my life and the moments I’ve experienced trauma…. These moments that mark us. The trauma that leaves an imprint and serves as triggers for who we are and who we will be. Some of us are terrified by the thought of past trauma and others can’t seem to escape or run fast enough away from them. Some of us may even attract trauma and be living this constant cycle of reliving it over and over again.
Are we addicted to trauma?
Trauma CAN be addictive. The taste of pain a familiar flavor…. This idea of attracting or choosing experiences of pain and trauma that are a reflection of our past… This repeat of things not reconciled…. Or dealt with …
Until we deal with them we will continue to repeat them… Relive them.
What does our trauma look like? And what is the residue that remains?
I am thinking about the trauma that worthlessness has left… How it paralyzes. This place that while extremely painful is also like the best high…. When you know what pain and trauma feels like you don’t know what life is like without it. So how could you know the opposite of this. The opposite of pain… This is the aftermath of trauma… These are the experiences that we have held onto.
I am thinking about the teams that are climbing with us on this mountain…what it took for them to get here. A large number of them are from money or have a tremendous amount of success. For those with money perhaps its easier for them to make a decision to plan this trip and purchase their tickets without worry about whether or not the rent will be paid or if there might be an eviction notice on the front door waiting upon arrival. They didn’t have to raise money… Beg or borrow… They didn’t have to sell things… They didn’t have to give up everything for this. Are they thinking about whether others would call them irresponsible or selfish for taking this journey… For choosing themselves?
They just made a decision and did it. No questioning of worth.
Or at least this is how I feel, as if the decision wasn’t about them QUESTIONING their worth because they KNOW their worth.
This is my reflection today… It’s around my worth… And money… and the trauma of feeling without or inadequate or undeserving or unprepared or unworthy.
My trauma has been around moments where I have felt without worth. I have measured my personal worth by the amount in my bank account. I have measured my worth by the relationships I have had. I have measured my worth based on what others think of me.
Trauma CAN be addictive…
This is what I am working with today. Shifting my ideas of worth and what that means to me. I am searching for my worth not in what I have, but in who I am. Today I am honoring my worth and all that it has taken me to get here. I know I am worthy of every bit of this experience.
Thank you for this day. Namaste ~ And so it is. Aché
✿✿Note to readers following our journey: Now that we have begun our climb I will not be posting to facebook as often. Please follow my blog at the top of the page. Thank you for your love and well wishes.
✿✿Note to newcomers accepting the writing challenge! You can begin the challenge at any point. There is no right or wrong way to participate. You are not being graded or judged. This is a gift we are giving ourselves. So be gentle during this process. We are about to climb a mountain, YO! Remember that. Remember we must be present. Release all self-defeating thoughts. You can do this. I do want to remind the new climbers that no matter what day you decide to join the challenge please begin at the beginning. It’s important to prepare! Please remember to post your daily responses in my comments on my blog. Sending you all love. See you at the top of the mountain.
With all my love,