Is it possible for eyebrows to hurt?
Every inch of me is in pain. But I can see it! I can see the peak! I am getting closer. My saliva tastes like completion… I have used everything that I am and everything I didn’t know I had. I can see how close I am. The women all remind me to keep climbing, to keep going. I haven’t showered in days. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Just when my body wants to give up my spirit pushes me to continue.
This moment reminds me of when I was writing my memoir, Finding Your Force.
I understood that I just needed to get to the end. I gave myself a date that I would finish and I committed to it. I stayed with it. It was a matter of life or death. I had no other option but to complete it. I was desperate. Living a mediocre life has this effect. I couldn’t continue living the way I was living feeling incomplete, feeling unfulfilled, feeling as if I would never accomplish anything. I had to complete this book. Was it my best work, my greatest writing, probably not, but I finished it. I proved to myself I could do it and I did. It almost killed me during the process… I mean that literally.
I wasn’t worried about how the world would receive it or what they would say about it or how they would feel about me. I wasn’t concerned with book reviews, although I definitely would not mind being reviewed by the New York Times. None of that mattered. What was more important to me was the process. What was more important to me was the message. What was important to me was the story. What was important to me was the legacy I would be leaving for Courtney and my family. What was important to me was honoring my ancestors. What was important to me was staying with it even after losing chapter after chapter. What was important to me was feeling the pain and fear and doubt and shame and writing the F’g story anyway. I wrote through all of it… the joy, the trauma… all of it! Reliving it over and over and over again even after it was written.
It has always been about the process, the journey, the pain, the loss, the failures, the discoveries made during the process, the magic found in the process, the disappointments experienced during the process, the ended relationships while in the process, the revelations and surprises that rise in the process, the expansion and growth made in the process, and the deep love, commitment and desire to keep writing through the process… and then getting to the end and giving it away as my most greatest gift and offering to the world. This is what mattered to me then and what really only matters to me right now.
All that I have sacrificed to get to the end, all that I have given up, all that I have lost, all that it took, all that it takes… sitting in that chair for ten hours straight, 30 days non stop, a gallon of water on the table, pushing myself to get it all on the page and not worry about edits or typos… it was and always will be about getting it onto the page.
REFLECTION
Here I am again… pushing myself to finish something. Pushing myself to get to the top.
Don’t quit!
Keep going!
Believe and know!
Trust!
Surrender!
You can do this!
And I AM getting close.
Thank you creator for this day.
And so it is. Namaste. Ache
✿✿Note to readers following our journey: Now that we have begun our climb I will not be posting to facebook as often. Please follow my blog at the top of the page. Thank you for your love and well wishes.
With all my love,
Alicia
Finding Your Force a Journey to Love is available on Barnes & Noble, Amazon and CreateSpace.
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The Writer and The Story 