When you use spirituality to suppress what you you’re feeling, experiencing stillness and hiding behind yoga and prayer not to feel it, not to see it, not to relive it again like I do there are moments where you decide to STOP that shit… and allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling. I have been meditating on the things I have not allowed myself to talk about, shouldn’t talk about and the many ways I have silenced myself.
Today I was mean to everyone on the team, everything seemed to set me off. I didn’t want to listen to what anyone had to say. I was resistant, closed off and I can’t really pin point what it is that has me so angry. My life has been a series of extremes. Moments where I held onto joy and happiness and love and nothing could phase me and then with the quickness it could turn to irrational rage. This is what I am feeling today, irrational rage. The kind of rage that has its roots not necessarily with the present experience but deeply rooted in a part of my self I have chosen to hide from the people closest to me (actually many have seen her, but new folks in my life have NO IDEA)! I made a choice to protect others and keep her hidden… hidden behind the stillness of spirit.
Girls should not raise their voices!
Girls should not talk back!
Girls should not question!
Girls should not fight!
Girls should not be angry!
Because when girls get angry we are somehow unstable, emotional and wrong for feeling what we feel!
Spirituality has been my cloak! Hiding me from the world. I have sold myself beautiful prayers and prose and withheld even from me the very essence that is me!
An angry me! A furious me! A hurt me! A sad me! An abused me! A violated me! A misunderstood me!
I have been keeping the truth of me hidden internally not allowing for the world to see the real me, the me that’s angry justifiably because if they see me they may not like me!
For too long I have been on this journey that feels like a constant apology.
Today I have awoken to an anger I no longer want to control and keep hidden and the mountain is finally the place I will let it all out. Today I roar!
With all my love,