I keep having the same dream over and over again. She is a little girl about 12/13 years old. She is super skinny… she was constantly in trouble, very mischievous, and always got yelled at. She was living a lifetime sentence on constant punishment. The weapon of choice was locking her up in the dark room.
The space was about 5 feet in length, 3 feet in width, and 7 feet tall to the ceiling. This is where he would lock her, for everything or nothing really. He just didn’t want to see her and in this space he could control her. It seemed like the beatings didn’t work. Locking her in there was the answer. She would spend hours crying, begging to be let out and apologizing. She apologized for breaking that dish. She apologized for misbehaving. She promised to never be bad again. She apologized for everything and made promises she would never keep. Promising that she would never do what she did again.
She was terrified in this tight space. She was surrounded by all of his tools. The cement chips she would peel that were coming off the walls. It was always so cold in there. And she sat in the same space in a particular way every day. She would sit on the paint cans, putting one on top of another for height, ensuring that her feet didn’t touch the ground for safety. She would whimper at the sounds of rats crawling and squeaking in the space with her. She was always worried that that day might be the day she would get bit by one. She sat there and the only light she could see was the little bit that crept in through the slight opening of the door. And then I wake up from that same dream everyday.
Today on the mountain we talked about darkness. What our darkest moment felt like, feels like. We talked about our safe spaces and what we do to take care of ourselves or do we hide? Today I am sitting with all of this. These dreams I have been having are incredibly intense!
And so it is. Namaste. Aché
With all my love,
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