Nepal Trip ~ Day 43: Everything Rises…

Just when you think you’ve done the work… released all the pain… things will shift and everything rises. Everything comes back up.

I have been dreaming a lot about being a little girl. My younger years. When I was a young girl I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be picked for stick ball. I wanted to be in all the IN-groups because to be in the IN GROUP meant you where accepted and liked, you were popular and loved.

I wanted to be in the in group… but I was in the out group! I wasn’t liked! I had an attitude. I got into a lot of fights. I was awkward. I was the ugly duckling. I was taller than all the boys and they didn’t like that. I kept very few friends.

Its interesting to see that as an adult I have had moments of wanting to be liked. I have wanted to be understood. I have wanted to be respected. I have wanted to be valued. I have wanted to be appreciated. I have wanted to be included. I have wanted to be recognized. And I have wanted to be loved.

Its interesting to see how so many years later WORTH and LOVE are still issues and old wounds that rise to the surface.

“Not everyone will like you! Not everyone will love you…”

People say, “I dont give a fuck what other people think…” Or “You really shouldn’t care what others think!” That’s nice for them… but I am not sure I even believe that.

REFLECTION

Returning home rises within me thoughts about self imposed expectations and yearning for acceptance.

Will they expect the old me?
Will the old triggers affect me?
Will it matter to me what others have done in my absence, how far they’ve come or what they have been able to bring forth?
What am I bringing home with me?

As I sit quietly with myself taking inventory of all that is rising for me… I will be still. I will choose not to give into these self defeating thoughts. I will not care about what others think. I can not worry about whether or not they accept me. I will just live. I will continue to prepare. I will just do my work. I will write. I will protect my spirit. I will breathe. I will hold onto who I am.

AS I POST TODAY I WANT TO WISH A HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER COURTNIANA! I LOVE YOU!!!!

And so it is. Namaste. Aché

With all my love,
Alicia

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