Something is wrong. My body is responding to something and I can’t really locate the source. My mind is on overdrive. In my dreams last night or this morning, I was running to cross the street and I was hit by several cars. It felt like my foot was barely grazed, yet my foot was completely severed.
Then I was in this house. I’m not sure where I am in the dream. I remember a dear friend was there. I was speaking to a woman who was tending her beautiful garden in the back yard. We were about to head to a music festival. It was quite a few of us, all women, all smart, all with the best plan of action. Everyone wanted to be in control. We each had opinions on when to leave, how to get there, where to stop and how often, what to eat and who would be making all of the decisions.
Yet it’s the conversation that was taking place that has left a mark this morning.
The conversation in the car was about shame!
I am thinking about shame this morning. The many ways shame and guilt have shown up in my life. I am thinking about how shame can be so debilitating. How we often don’t’ like to admit our shame or share our shame with others. We often hide our shame. Shame would have us believe the worst in us. Shame prevents us from moving and finding good.
I was ashamed of so many mistakes of my past that I allowed to define and paralyze me.
Shame defined: to bring dishonor upon, a painful emotion resulting from an awareness of inadequacy or guilt, self-hatred, and humiliation.
Shame and guilt. Our shame manifests as guilt, our guilt manifests as shame.
What is the opposite of SHAME? I wanted him to be proud of me! The him I am speaking of is my father. I never wanted to disappoint him but it felt like I aways did. I wanted to make him proud of the choices I made. It was important to me to feel validated by him. Validation would mean he really loved me. As I type those words I have no choice but to really listen to what I have just written. I wanted to make HIM proud of the CHOICES I MADE.
What if I took pride in myself?
Are we proud of ourselves? This question looks simple to answer but we really must sit with it. Are we proud? Are we proud of the decisions we have made? Are we proud of the way we show up in the world? Are we proud of our abilities and capabilities? Are we proud of our achievements and how far we have come? Do we take pride in the things we do? Do we love ourselves the way we are with all that we bring?
A complete feeling of worth. When we are proud we value who we are.
Today as I am meditating on how to transform and release shame. I am remembering that shame is an emotion that eats away at your core. Shame is poison. Shame eats away our souls. Shame can destroy our spirits. Shame strips us of the very good that is us. When we are ashamed of our mistakes we believe we are the mistakes. The guilt that we carry.
We feel inadequate.
Guilt for our choices.
How do we work through shame?
And so it is. Namaste. Aché
With all my love,
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