Its not cute to be poor. Its less attractive to move in the world believing we are poor. There was a time I hated my life. I wanted something else. I wanted something more. I wanted another life! I wanted what someone else had. I was mad about others having the life I felt I deserved.
Wanting another life. This is what I am thinking about. There were many reasons I began this journey, but the thing that I most wanted was a change. I needed something new. I wanted another life because the life I was living was too much. Too painful. Too stressful. Too empty. Too ugly. Too much of a day to day struggle. Was filled with way too much time feeling sorry for myself and being broke!
I absolutely believed that running away from my life was exactly what I needed.
I definitely needed to come to Nepal. I have gained so much. I have been through so much, but as the cliche goes “the grass isn’t always greener.” I can’t hide from the life I have.
We must constantly be changing, growing, evolving, staying open, seeing, learning, transforming, purging, releasing, accepting and shifting.
I have spent my time changing and growing, learning and purging. And what I have discovered is that I have had a pretty great life and that I have changed. Some people will not be happy for me. I may be met with resistance. This tends to happen when we are no longer who people are comfortable with. Resistance happens when we are about to make a change or have made big decisions that could and will change the direction of our journey. People will worry about what this means for them. But its not about them!
Back when I worked in Corporate America I remember how ill I made myself with worry as to whether or not I was making the right decision leaving the security of my job. I went through so many transformations and changes that were happening all at the same time. At the root of the changes I was about to make was this fear and guilt around wanting another life. Of being poor. Of being evicted. Of my daughter hating me for leaving to work on the documentary. Of accumulating things that could be seen as not being humble. Of not wanting what my parents had. Of not being a slave to someone else or “the system.” The life I wanted was to not be chained to a corporate desk, fetching someone’s coffee when I could be making coffee for myself comfortable at my writers desk or traveling all over Latin America.
Sometimes we want what we can’t have. Sometimes what we expect is not meant for us. But then there are other times we get exactly what we deserve. For me this other life was grounded in struggle and struggle meant that I was humble. My not wanting more than I had meant I was humble. My giving away me belongings meant I was most humble. Settling meant I was humble. Poverty meant I was keeping it humble!
Poverty is NOT humility!
Humility does not mean being a doormat or shrinking so others don’t feel insecure or bad about not having achieved or attained certain successes. Humility is not groveling. Humility to me means that I can feel good about myself without making someone else feel bad. Humility to me means that I can have things, beautiful things and not have to feel sory about having things.
For me the greatest humility is the knowing that the things that I desire I am done wishing for, done waiting for, done begging for and done feeling sorry for. These days humility is found in the work that I do, doing good deeds and not feeling like I have to announce them to the world. It is in the doing silently that keeps me humble.
I leave tomorrow night and I feel prepared spiritually for this next place!
Today I pray for humility.
Today I pray for my family.
Today I pray for clarity.
Today I pray for kindness.
With all my love,
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