When everything angered me. When everything was about racism, sexism, exploitation and privilege. When I say everything… I mean every experience. I could find the ism and injustice in everything and everyone. And she allowed me to curse, scream and allow the beast out.
Because the beast that resides in ME….
is not nice beast
she is not a weak beast
she is not a meek beast
she is not a quiet beast
she is not a silent beast
she is not a sweet beast
she is not a loving beast
she is not a spiritual beast
she is not a kind beast
she IS a nasty beast
she IS vicious beast
she IS loud and she IS strong and she IS a force…. She’s A lion. She’s A warrior.
But apparently in my attempts to not awaken the beast some people in my life, in the world, in the community have no idea that this beast even exists. They’ve come to know the namaste beast. The and so it is beast. The come and I will love you and hold you beast.
In fact what I realized and said yesterday to her is that 90% of the people in my life have no idea who I really am. They don’t know me.
What am I talking about?
I feel… No I know that when you meet me one of two things might happen. You either love me or you dislike me.
On more than one occasion I have been accused of being arrogant like that’s a bad thing. The perception and assumption in that first impression some people might get is that I’m full of myself. (And honestly I’m not going to worry about their assumptions. That’s their stuff to work through.) I happen to confident and I like that about me.
Then on the other side there are the people who are like bees to honey… they want to be near me… they want to be nurtured by me… they love who I am to them and what I symbolize. They love what I give and provide for them and I love giving all of that.
What I don’t love is that lately and by lately I’m talking about the last 10 years… people are confused and think they can speak to me anyway they wish. Some folks think that they can speak to me disrespectfully or condescendingly and that I must sit back and take it.
This is what my daughter and I were talking about. How it has taken me years to master the art of communication and listening in a loving and respectful way. I work very hard at not exploding at people, speaking from a place of love and honoring people where they are. Yo!!!! I work hard. It is a daily practice.
Emphasis on the words loving and respectful.
There are some people who believe it is their right to speak to anyone anyway they want and I’m here to tell you — you cannot and will not speak to me anyway you wish. I’m going to need you to respect me in the same way that I respect you. And that goes for everyone. It is not your right!
This post is for anyone and everyone in my life.
Where is this all coming from?
What is at the root of this post?
I’m reading my last journal and looking at the entry four days before my 44th birthday and this is what I wrote:
Wednesday, July 22, 2015—My intention for today is to write through the rage and anger. Today I moved in the world so frustrated. I was filled with so much frustration and anger. I was so annoyed so off-center. I wasn’t happy and it showed. It showed all over my face, in my mannerisms, in my walk and it filled my spirit. I didn’t want to be around anyone and everything around me annoyed me. People and their bullshit. Sometimes I wish motherfuckers would just check their shit at the door. Don’t bring that shit here. Leave it. Or take it back wherever it came from. My intention for today is to use all of this in my writing and write from a place of that power… that powerful masculine side of me. I give myself permission to be angry and be “that dude!” END OF ENTRY
Wow. That entry even shocked me! In my journals I can be me in the most free complete way. But what shocked me the most was my connecting anger to masculinity. As if only men have the right to be angry. And as a woman if I show my anger or let that beast out I would be seen as a lunatic.
Today I have given myself permission to allow the beast out!
And so it is!