Excerpt from Finding Your Force, Chapter 22
It was the night before New Years Eve. I had been writing all day at my writing spot at Grand Central Station and it was time for a break. I was participating in a competition write your novel in 3 days. I decided to go home. I was waiting for the D train and got on. While I was writing I felt this person looking at me but I continued writing. Today I wasn’t really in the mood for making connections on the train. I arrived at my stop and I hear this voice say something to me, “Hi there!” It was the guy that was watching me the entire ride. We walked off the train together and he engaged me in conversation. He asked me what I was writing about and I just started yapping about my writer’s life, my novel, and my upcoming project. Once I started talking you couldn’t shut me up. I didn’t even know what direction he was headed in or if at any point we were going to part ways. I told him I was going to KFC he offered to walk with me it seemed harmless. I stood in line for a few minutes and then decided I’d rather have food from the Dominican joint. So again I told him I was headed in another direction. He continued to walk with me. He told me he was a writer and that he also wrote music. What’s up with me and these musician types? We shared small bites of information he sat with me while I waited for my food and then I told him that I needed to get home and get back to my writing competition. I asked him were he lived. He told me he lived in Queens… that he only got on the train to meet me.
I was like the song moving… closer to my dreams~
Since things were going so well in my life I just figured I would go with the flow and be open to what the universe was sending me. I allowed myself to be open to the possibilities of this new man in my life. In the beginning, I was saying things to him like, Slow down… we are still learning each other…this is new… I am just enjoying each moment… all I can offer you is truth, sincerity, genuineness, and time to know me. He on the other hand told me he was like the Lionel Richie song….”Easy.” He was jumping, leaping way too soon. We were becoming an US and I was trying to hold onto me. I was learning that I don’t believe I’ve ever known what it feels like to actually find the person that I’m supposed to be with the person who was made for me.
I gave him the test that I was accustomed to giving people I began meeting on the journey. There were two books, The Alchemist and Mastery of Love. I didn’t want to continue making the same mistakes in relationships. I knew right away when something didn’t align. There were two parts of those books that were very significant for me in knowing if the person I was dealing with was on my level spiritually. I asked the guy I was seeing to give me his interpretation of both stories…. He called Fatima a bitch for pushing Santiago away “didn’t she see how he loved her. How could she do that? What if she was his treasure?” I just listened. Then I asked him what he thought of the couple that didn’t believe in love. The question at the end of that story was who is to blame for that relationship not working? He blamed the woman, “didn’t she see that he was willing to give her ALL of his love. She is selfish.”
That night I asked him where he saw himself in five years. He told me – I don’t see myself. So I asked another question, what is your life purpose? Where do you see yourself headed? What do you want? His response was, “what if my life’s purpose is to love you.” That might have flattered a younger me. That’s when I knew that it was time to let him go.
Letter to the man who could love again:
I give off a powerful magnetic energy that says – – come on in! “I’ll love you – – let me take care of you!” I love to give myself distractions that will keep me from what’s important to me… like my healing or working on my writing projects. I almost made you my project. I wanted to show you how to love yourself. You wanted a little bit of what I have. But the thing is I’m still not whole. I’m good but I’m getting better. Forgive me for having to release you. I must honor myself. I had to honor my heart and you were not the one.
Being with you reminded me that I am closer to my dreams and I can not allow anything that doesn’t contribute to forward movement and personal growth to get in my way of achieving that. When you make someone your—everything—telling them that their life is in your hands… that’s a lot of pressure to put on someone else. I’m afraid I can not and will not live up to. While I’m willing to share my happiness with someone—I’m happy with me! And it has taken me a long time to get here. I can’t be responsible for healing your heart – that’s your job. I can’t give you your love. I can’t give you your happiness. I can’t give you a sense of worth or a sense of place. I can’t give you your creativity.
I want to share my life with someone not give my life to anyone. SHARE is the operative word here. When you GIVE someone ALL your love you give them a lot of power. At least I think so. I thank you for the music… in such a short time you have given me many gifts, encouragement, motivation, inspiration, support, and love. I was lying to myself. I was not ready to receive ALL THE LOVE you wanted to give me especially at a time when I made men my projects. You would have become my distraction to keep me from what’s most important to me. I forgive you for lying to yourself that you were ready to receive me and I forgive myself for lying about being ready for love. I wish you every blessing. I’m moving closer to my dreams. Love you, Alicia
There were just a few more lessons I needed to learn. Just a few more men needed to appear before I got this shit right. I was sitting at a club and there was a Latin group performing. There was this person that walked by me. Something made me reach out and grab him. I felt him so strongly. I didn’t know him. I didn’t know his name but I was compelled to touch him. I got up and asked can I hug you? I was feeling so much of his pain. We saw each other for a few weeks. There was an attraction. But we were friends. We just hung out. We were in our apartment and he was sitting on my bed and I was sitting in the corner chair when we had one of those let’s talk about where this relationship is headed conversations. It went something like this:
“Alicia, what is that you want? What is that you want from me?”
I responded, “I want what we have. I love our connection. I enjoy our conversations. I want this.”
His response, “Well, I just need you to know that I’m experiencing this kind of connection with several different women.”
I don’t know what he thought I was going to say to that. I just started laughing. Was he serious? Did he think that I would be ok with that? While I respected his honesty I needed him to know that I am not one of those women. I was beginning to master loving me and so at this point it was laughable to me that I would even consider moving backwards.
My second wedding~
Alicia, our courtship has not been an easy one. It has been a bumpy road, filled with twists and turns and climaxes that haven’t always been so pleasurable. There have been failures and huge successes. We’ve had some incredibly great highs and some bad lows. I’ve been through some dark places but have always come up to find light. So this time around it feels like this is the perfect time, it’s certainly the perfect date for my rebirth. July 26th my birthday. And this is the perfect spot for my wedding. Other than under a sunset outdoors… there’s no better place to marry me than in my home… surrounded by everyone and everything that I love.
Today I give birth to a new way of loving me… to a new way of living. What I want most out of this marriage to me is GENTLENESS with me. I can take things slow. I understand that there is no need to rush. I will take things one day at a time. I can live my life with compassion, understanding, patience and all the love that I have for me. This remarriage is one of truth, to honor, to love and to respect me. The good thing about marrying me today is that I no longer feel this need to mold myself into this perfect image of a person. I can just be me – and I take me as I am.
To the old Alicia…
Thank you for your support.
Peace, light and LOVE~